does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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