I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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