They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
