I haven't been this sober since birth.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
