I puked a lego.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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