I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
