my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
