Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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