i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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