I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
