Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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