Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
how does that bad decision feel?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
