The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
