Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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