anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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