Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
