Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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