so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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