i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
