I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
