Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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