True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
