I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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