I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
a search helicopter?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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