do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
