Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
