Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
