she woke up with a sticky ear
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
40s are totally the cure
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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