I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
