You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
