He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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