I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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