Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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