im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
