alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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