the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Even my vagina gasped.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
we should paint friendship bongs
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
