U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
