Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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