Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
