Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
