I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
