A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
