My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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