Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
