I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Text me some of your sweat
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
