I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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