I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
