My friends, they love my intelligence
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i already hear my dad disowning me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
