Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
