she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
